These are the differences between two versions of scientists. Lines styled like this have been added to the entry, lines like this have been removed.

This is displaying the changes from 2016-06-14 09:06 to 2016-06-25 10:06

  1. h1. Scientists
  2. A scientist is the catch-all definition for those who perform science. Like
  3. many academic terms it is unscientifically defined. A scientist is usually
  4. additionally defined by his position in the academic hierarchy, his
  5. discipline, the number of papers published and cited and most importantly
  6. how much funding he has (as the former definitions rely on this).
  7. It is vitally important not to let scientists get too bored. Otherwise,
  8. -things like "this":http://yaslot.com/game/mad-scientist happen.
  9. +things like
  10. +"this":http://www.newscientist.com/blog/shortsharpscience/2008/07/rappin-physics.html
  11. +happen.
  12. h2. +Scientific Positions+
  13. h2. +Disciplines+
  14. -There are an infinite number of disciplines available in academia. This is
  15. -because a scientific discipline is a word purely designed to achieve
  16. -funding and a good scientist knows how to make up a brand new discipline on
  17. -the spot to achieve it. A scientist may be a member of several disciplines,
  18. -some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology, chemistry), some micro
  19. -(i.e. material engineering), some cross disciplinary (i.e. computational
  20. -neuroscience) and some made up while high on cocaine in front of the review
  21. -board from a funding body (i.e. integrative neuroscience).
  22. +There are an infinite number of disciplines available in ((academia)). This
  23. +is because a scientific discipline is a word purely designed to achieve
  24. +((funding)) and a good scientist knows how to make up a brand new
  25. +discipline on the spot to achieve it. A scientist may be a member of
  26. +several disciplines, some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology,
  27. +chemistry), some micro (i.e. material engineering), some cross disciplinary
  28. +(i.e. computational neuroscience) and some made up while high on cocaine in
  29. +front of the review board from a funding body (i.e. integrative
  30. +neuroscience).
  31. Scientifically this means fuck all.
  32. -However a rapidly burgeoning science which Dave_M has just invented and is
  33. -seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new discipline will
  34. -open up many new areas of research which are profitable and will have
  35. +However a rapidly burgeoning science which ((Dave_M)) has just invented and
  36. +is seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new discipline
  37. +will open up many new areas of research which are profitable and will have
  38. immediate returns on any number of patents and technologies.
  39. Sciencephrenology is the discipline in which a scientist’s personality
  40. and mental attributes are identified by their choice of discipline. This
  41. will enable funding bodies to gain more control of scientists as well as
  42. -increase <a href="http://madscientistslot.net/">the Mad Scientist slot</a>
  43. -ability to meet deadlines and -jump through more fucking hoops- perform
  44. -science.
  45. +increase the scientists ability to meet deadlines and -jump through more
  46. +fucking hoops- perform science.
  47. h3. +Personalities and Caring Instructions by Discipline+
  48. h4. +Physics+
  49. _Physicists come in two flavours, Theoretical and Applied. However, some
  50. features are common to both._
  51. A physicist usually has a higher tendency of believing they are doing
  52. -SCIENCE! than most other disciplines. This is generally because they get
  53. -away with providing little in the way of substantial returns from the last
  54. -50 years as everyone keeps hoping they might come up with something amazing
  55. -again soon. One strategy physicists have engaged in to collect more funding
  56. -and build a bigger academic empire is the "universal theory of everything"
  57. -routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as paradigm, ant
  58. -hills and occasionally random bits of string to blag that once the
  59. -breakthrough comes everything will be different and amazing.
  60. +((SCIENCE))! than most other disciplines. This is generally because they
  61. +get away with providing little in the way of substantial returns from the
  62. +last 50 years as everyone keeps hoping they might come up with something
  63. +amazing again soon. One strategy physicists have engaged in to collect more
  64. +funding and build a bigger academic empire is the "universal theory of
  65. +everything" routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
  66. +paradigm, ant hills and occasionally random bits of string to blag that
  67. +once the breakthrough comes everything will be different and amazing.
  68. In recent years, however, this seems to be less effective, and the
  69. reductionist demons stopped being helpful and have once again begun to
  70. force physicists to diverge, much to their chagrin. Another reason may well
  71. -be that string theory is Silly.
  72. +be that string theory is ((Silly)).
  73. The greatest and most brilliant example of this technique was invented by
  74. J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated at a Christmas function was
  75. queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding was at risk he
  76. chose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe was lots and lots
  77. of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum puddings).
  78. Many physicists are considerably grateful this occasion had not occurred
  79. while Thomson was at the Bordello he commonly frequented as indeed should
  80. the world be. Had he been, the universe would be a very different place
  81. indeed.
  82. Fortunately Thomson's model soon fell out of favour with the general
  83. population of physicists and once again reality returned to a better, less
  84. squidgy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
  85. community as they rapidly realised that if the universe was made out of
  86. plum puddings the general populace would rapidly fall out of favour with
  87. physics after their third helping and probably riot when they realised they
  88. were going to have to have a helping everyday for the next week if they
  89. didn't want to waste the physicists new contribution.
  90. The Plum Pudding model was not long dead, however, when things began to get
  91. much, much stranger and more bafflingly incomprehensible. This is because
  92. -of Quantum.
  93. +of ((Quantum)).
  94. h3. +Applied Physicists+
  95. Applied Physicists tend to believe they are doing ((SCIENCE))!, typically
  96. because they are. However, luckily for the rest of us, they tend to
  97. produce useful results on a fairly regular basis. It is a mistake,
  98. however, to expect these results to have practical applications. That is
  99. an Engineer's job. If you want to know where your flying car is, you
  100. should ask them.
  101. h3. +Theoretical Physicists+
  102. Theoretical Physicists are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
  103. excited about obscure pieces of theory, or just random bits of the maths.
  104. This often leads to them going off on bizarre tangents due to their own
  105. intellectual curiosity which are of zero use to anyone. When this
  106. -happens, it all gets Silly. This is, in a nutshell, how String Theory was
  107. -born.
  108. +happens, it all gets ((Silly)). This is, in a nutshell, how String Theory
  109. +was born.
  110. h5. Care Instructions
  111. Your average physicist is highly capable of mathematics, and one should
  112. take the opportunity to remind them of this at every opportunity. Note
  113. however that mathematics is considerably different from maths which they
  114. will remind you when asked why they cannot handle simple addition and
  115. subtraction. Strangely for such a quiet occasionally anti-social creature
  116. they can throw the most amazing parties when amongst their own kind and
  117. which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories of for life.
  118. However when not with other physicists at another party they can kill it
  119. horribly.
  120. -In the experience of Iasus, the converse is true. Parties composed of
  121. +In the experience of ((Iasus)), the converse is true. Parties composed of
  122. physicists are, in his experience, incredibly dull. The last one he went
  123. to made him want to gouge his own eyes out with a rusty spoon.
  124. The sciencephrenology hypothesis is that unlike biologists (who have a hive
  125. scientific ability) physicists relegated their social instincts to the
  126. communal conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more social
  127. and charismatic they become and if they should ever reach a critical mass
  128. in population the world would become one big bonobo monkey orgy.
  129. As such sciencephrenology is of the opinion that this would be detrimental
  130. to our funding and so physicists should continued to be mocked to help
  131. curtail this threat.
  132. The physicist has also gained a new and highly dangerous ability to get
  133. wacked out of their head on theoretical physics. Due to a genetic quirk in
  134. dopaminic levels certain pot heads enter the discipline and become massive
  135. competent physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
  136. amphetamines and psychoactive substances in favour of subparticle and
  137. quantum mechanics.
  138. h4. +Biology+
  139. Biology is a rapidly evolving and growing macro discipline. There are
  140. several reasons for this, first and foremost being the large amount of
  141. succesful research and their occasional application in other areas of
  142. science which biology examined and subsequently half-inched. While without
  143. a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half-inched
  144. along with their research this entry shall focus on biologists who are
  145. foolish enough to openly call themselves this.
  146. Some common traits shared by biologists is their tendency to think
  147. mathematics only comprises of differential equations of which they are
  148. inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Their offices can
  149. occasionally consist of purely mac computers and their general programming
  150. ability starts and ends with spreadsheet formulae. However this is not to
  151. say that biologists who openly call themselves biologists do not contribute
  152. to the discipline of biology.
  153. This is because biologists have been trained and are specialists in one of
  154. the black arts of academia.
  155. That of collaboration.
  156. Collaboration in academia is a particularly nasty and dangerous gray area
  157. of expertise in which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
  158. survive. In addition it can require dirty non-scientific skills such as
  159. face to face communication, listening and being reasonable.
  160. Occasionally it can even involve compromise, a term every scientist has
  161. been pre-conditioned to hate through special summer courses. One of the key
  162. points in training and why most scientists despise this particular black
  163. art revolves around the pre-conditioning they receive during their final
  164. -chance at academic escape or degree.
  165. +chance at academic ((escape)) or degree.
  166. This is because before post-graduate level any retard can get onto to any
  167. -degree and leave with a tutu at the end (though not everyone who leaves
  168. -with a tutu is a retard). Thus during group coursework the budding innocent
  169. -post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must not just
  170. -complete their work but half the other collaborators. This quickly scars
  171. -them and helps condition them into avoiding the real world and staying
  172. -trapped in academia.
  173. +degree and leave with a ((tutu)) at the end (though not everyone who leaves
  174. +with a ((tutu)) is a retard). Thus during group coursework the budding
  175. +innocent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must
  176. +not just complete their work but half the other collaborators. This quickly
  177. +scars them and helps condition them into avoiding the real world and
  178. +staying trapped in academia.
  179. The side effect of this is of course they become allergic to true
  180. collaboration and distrustful of their fellow academics.
  181. Biologists escape the worse effects of this however as until they reach a
  182. certain tier in the academic heirarchy their work must be supervised and
  183. thus it is transparent to their assessor who is putting in the effort.
  184. This is not to say that they still do not suffer from negative effects from
  185. -this experiance as otherwise they would have a higher escape ratio but they
  186. -are considerably less scarred from the experiance.
  187. +this experiance as otherwise they would have a higher ((escape)) ratio but
  188. +they are considerably less scarred from the experiance.
  189. The principle flaw in this sciencephrenology argument however is that it
  190. requires their supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
  191. typically be a post graduate this is unlikely.
  192. Perhaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
  193. h5. Care Instructions
  194. Your average Biologist is more neurotic then any other member of one of the
  195. macro disciplines. This is due to the duality of the fact they are more
  196. highly social then any of the others against the fact they are scientists.
  197. The current strategy utilised by academia therefore is to remove either
  198. their scientific ability or their social tendencies.
  199. To achieve the later, funding bodies insist on large amounts of very boring
  200. courses such as radiation training. This has the effect of being a mental
  201. lobotomy and psychically removes the offending parts of their personality
  202. by traumatising them. To achieve the former the biologist is tricked into
  203. accepting an administrative position or one of resource responsibility,
  204. this grants them extra opportunities to be social and therefore reduces the
  205. amount of actual science they perform, which in turn after time completely
  206. removes all scientific ability from their minds. Many administrators are
  207. unaware of this fact and continue to believe they are making genuine
  208. contributions to science instead of getting in the way. Further more
  209. administrators allow more courses to be performed which in turn leads to
  210. more biologists having their social tendencies obliterated.

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