These are the differences between two versions of scientists. Lines styled like this have been added to the entry, lines like this have been removed.

This is displaying the changes from 2008-07-22 08:07 to 2016-06-25 10:06

  1. h1. Scientists
  2. -A scientist is the catch all definition for those who perform science. Like
  3. +A scientist is the catch-all definition for those who perform science. Like
  4. many academic terms it is unscientifically defined. A scientist is usually
  5. -additionally defined by his position is the academic hierarchy, his
  6. +additionally defined by his position in the academic hierarchy, his
  7. discipline, the number of papers published and cited and most importantly
  8. how much funding he has (as the former definitions rely on this).
  9. +It is vitally important not to let scientists get too bored. Otherwise,
  10. +things like
  11. +"this":http://www.newscientist.com/blog/shortsharpscience/2008/07/rappin-physics.html
  12. +happen.
  13. +
  14. h2. +Scientific Positions+
  15. h2. +Disciplines+
  16. There are an infinite number of disciplines available in ((academia)). This
  17. is because a scientific discipline is a word purely designed to achieve
  18. ((funding)) and a good scientist knows how to make up a brand new
  19. discipline on the spot to achieve it. A scientist may be a member of
  20. -several disciplines. Some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology,
  21. +several disciplines, some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology,
  22. chemistry), some micro (i.e. material engineering), some cross disciplinary
  23. (i.e. computational neuroscience) and some made up while high on cocaine in
  24. front of the review board from a funding body (i.e. integrative
  25. neuroscience).
  26. Scientifically this means fuck all.
  27. -However a rapidly burgeoning science of which ((Dave_M)) has just invented
  28. -and is seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new
  29. -discipline will open up many new areas of research which are profitable and
  30. -will have immediate returns on any number of patents and technologies.
  31. +However a rapidly burgeoning science which ((Dave_M)) has just invented and
  32. +is seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new discipline
  33. +will open up many new areas of research which are profitable and will have
  34. +immediate returns on any number of patents and technologies.
  35. Sciencephrenology is the discipline in which a scientist’s personality
  36. and mental attributes are identified by their choice of discipline. This
  37. will enable funding bodies to gain more control of scientists as well as
  38. increase the scientists ability to meet deadlines and -jump through more
  39. fucking hoops- perform science.
  40. h3. +Personalities and Caring Instructions by Discipline+
  41. h4. +Physics+
  42. _Physicists come in two flavours, Theoretical and Applied. However, some
  43. features are common to both._
  44. A physicist usually has a higher tendency of believing they are doing
  45. -((SCIENCE))! then most other disciplines. This is generally because they
  46. +((SCIENCE))! than most other disciplines. This is generally because they
  47. get away with providing little in the way of substantial returns from the
  48. last 50 years as everyone keeps hoping they might come up with something
  49. amazing again soon. One strategy physicists have engaged in to collect more
  50. -funding and build a bigger academic empire is the universal theory of
  51. -everything routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
  52. +funding and build a bigger academic empire is the "universal theory of
  53. +everything" routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
  54. paradigm, ant hills and occasionally random bits of string to blag that
  55. once the breakthrough comes everything will be different and amazing.
  56. In recent years, however, this seems to be less effective, and the
  57. reductionist demons stopped being helpful and have once again begun to
  58. force physicists to diverge, much to their chagrin. Another reason may well
  59. be that string theory is ((Silly)).
  60. The greatest and most brilliant example of this technique was invented by
  61. -J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated was queried at a Christmas
  62. -function was queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding
  63. -was at risk he choose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe
  64. -was lots and lots of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum
  65. -puddings).
  66. +J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated at a Christmas function was
  67. +queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding was at risk he
  68. +chose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe was lots and lots
  69. +of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum puddings).
  70. Many physicists are considerably grateful this occasion had not occurred
  71. while Thomson was at the Bordello he commonly frequented as indeed should
  72. the world be. Had he been, the universe would be a very different place
  73. indeed.
  74. Fortunately Thomson's model soon fell out of favour with the general
  75. population of physicists and once again reality returned to a better, less
  76. -squigy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
  77. +squidgy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
  78. community as they rapidly realised that if the universe was made out of
  79. plum puddings the general populace would rapidly fall out of favour with
  80. physics after their third helping and probably riot when they realised they
  81. were going to have to have a helping everyday for the next week if they
  82. didn't want to waste the physicists new contribution.
  83. The Plum Pudding model was not long dead, however, when things began to get
  84. much, much stranger and more bafflingly incomprehensible. This is because
  85. of ((Quantum)).
  86. h3. +Applied Physicists+
  87. Applied Physicists tend to believe they are doing ((SCIENCE))!, typically
  88. because they are. However, luckily for the rest of us, they tend to
  89. produce useful results on a fairly regular basis. It is a mistake,
  90. however, to expect these results to have practical applications. That is
  91. an Engineer's job. If you want to know where your flying car is, you
  92. should ask them.
  93. h3. +Theoretical Physicists+
  94. -Theoretical Physicist are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
  95. +Theoretical Physicists are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
  96. excited about obscure pieces of theory, or just random bits of the maths.
  97. -This often leads to them going off on bizzare tangents due to their own
  98. +This often leads to them going off on bizarre tangents due to their own
  99. intellectual curiosity which are of zero use to anyone. When this
  100. happens, it all gets ((Silly)). This is, in a nutshell, how String Theory
  101. was born.
  102. h5. Care Instructions
  103. Your average physicist is highly capable of mathematics, and one should
  104. take the opportunity to remind them of this at every opportunity. Note
  105. however that mathematics is considerably different from maths which they
  106. will remind you when asked why they cannot handle simple addition and
  107. subtraction. Strangely for such a quiet occasionally anti-social creature
  108. they can throw the most amazing parties when amongst their own kind and
  109. -which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories for life.
  110. +which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories of for life.
  111. However when not with other physicists at another party they can kill it
  112. horribly.
  113. In the experience of ((Iasus)), the converse is true. Parties composed of
  114. physicists are, in his experience, incredibly dull. The last one he went
  115. to made him want to gouge his own eyes out with a rusty spoon.
  116. The sciencephrenology hypothesis is that unlike biologists (who have a hive
  117. -scientific ability) physicists relagated thier social instincts to the
  118. -communial conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more
  119. -social and charistmatic they become and if they should ever reach a
  120. -critical mass in population the world will become one big bonobo monkey
  121. -orgy.
  122. +scientific ability) physicists relegated their social instincts to the
  123. +communal conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more social
  124. +and charismatic they become and if they should ever reach a critical mass
  125. +in population the world would become one big bonobo monkey orgy.
  126. As such sciencephrenology is of the opinion that this would be detrimental
  127. to our funding and so physicists should continued to be mocked to help
  128. curtail this threat.
  129. The physicist has also gained a new and highly dangerous ability to get
  130. wacked out of their head on theoretical physics. Due to a genetic quirk in
  131. dopaminic levels certain pot heads enter the discipline and become massive
  132. -competant physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
  133. -amphetimines and pyschoactive substances in favour of subpartical and
  134. +competent physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
  135. +amphetamines and psychoactive substances in favour of subparticle and
  136. quantum mechanics.
  137. h4. +Biology+
  138. Biology is a rapidly evolving and growing macro discipline. There are
  139. several reasons for this, first and foremost being the large amount of
  140. -succesful research and thier occasional application in other area's of
  141. -science which biology examined and subsequently half inched. While without
  142. -a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half inched
  143. +succesful research and their occasional application in other areas of
  144. +science which biology examined and subsequently half-inched. While without
  145. +a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half-inched
  146. along with their research this entry shall focus on biologists who are
  147. foolish enough to openly call themselves this.
  148. Some common traits shared by biologists is their tendency to think
  149. mathematics only comprises of differential equations of which they are
  150. -inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Thier offices can
  151. -occasionally consist of purely mac computers and thier general programming
  152. -ability starts and ends with spread sheet formulas. However this is not to
  153. +inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Their offices can
  154. +occasionally consist of purely mac computers and their general programming
  155. +ability starts and ends with spreadsheet formulae. However this is not to
  156. say that biologists who openly call themselves biologists do not contribute
  157. to the discipline of biology.
  158. This is because biologists have been trained and are specialists in one of
  159. the black arts of academia.
  160. That of collaboration.
  161. Collaboration in academia is a particularly nasty and dangerous gray area
  162. -of expertise at which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
  163. +of expertise in which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
  164. survive. In addition it can require dirty non-scientific skills such as
  165. face to face communication, listening and being reasonable.
  166. Occasionally it can even involve compromise, a term every scientist has
  167. been pre-conditioned to hate through special summer courses. One of the key
  168. points in training and why most scientists despise this particular black
  169. -art revolves around the pre-conditioning they recieve during their final
  170. +art revolves around the pre-conditioning they receive during their final
  171. chance at academic ((escape)) or degree.
  172. This is because before post-graduate level any retard can get onto to any
  173. degree and leave with a ((tutu)) at the end (though not everyone who leaves
  174. with a ((tutu)) is a retard). Thus during group coursework the budding
  175. -inoccent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must
  176. -not just complete thier work but half the other collaborators. This quickly
  177. +innocent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must
  178. +not just complete their work but half the other collaborators. This quickly
  179. scars them and helps condition them into avoiding the real world and
  180. staying trapped in academia.
  181. The side effect of this is of course they become allergic to true
  182. collaboration and distrustful of their fellow academics.
  183. Biologists escape the worse effects of this however as until they reach a
  184. certain tier in the academic heirarchy their work must be supervised and
  185. thus it is transparent to their assessor who is putting in the effort.
  186. This is not to say that they still do not suffer from negative effects from
  187. this experiance as otherwise they would have a higher ((escape)) ratio but
  188. -they are considerably less scared from the experiance.
  189. +they are considerably less scarred from the experiance.
  190. The principle flaw in this sciencephrenology argument however is that it
  191. -requires thier supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
  192. +requires their supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
  193. typically be a post graduate this is unlikely.
  194. -Prehaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
  195. +Perhaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
  196. h5. Care Instructions
  197. Your average Biologist is more neurotic then any other member of one of the
  198. macro disciplines. This is due to the duality of the fact they are more
  199. highly social then any of the others against the fact they are scientists.
  200. The current strategy utilised by academia therefore is to remove either
  201. their scientific ability or their social tendencies.
  202. To achieve the later, funding bodies insist on large amounts of very boring
  203. courses such as radiation training. This has the effect of being a mental
  204. lobotomy and psychically removes the offending parts of their personality
  205. by traumatising them. To achieve the former the biologist is tricked into
  206. accepting an administrative position or one of resource responsibility,
  207. this grants them extra opportunities to be social and therefore reduces the
  208. -amount of actual science they perform. Which in turn after time completely
  209. +amount of actual science they perform, which in turn after time completely
  210. removes all scientific ability from their minds. Many administrators are
  211. unaware of this fact and continue to believe they are making genuine
  212. contributions to science instead of getting in the way. Further more
  213. administrators allow more courses to be performed which in turn leads to
  214. more biologists having their social tendencies obliterated.

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