These are the differences between two versions of scientists. Lines styled like this have been added to the entry, lines like this have been removed.

This is displaying the changes from 2008-07-11 08:07 to 2009-09-20 12:09

1. h1. Scientists
3. -A scientist is the catch all definition for those who perform science.
4. +A scientist is the catch-all definition for those who perform science.
5. Like many academic terms it is unscientifically defined. A scientist is
6. -usually additionally defined by his position is the academic hierarchy, his
7. +usually additionally defined by his position in the academic hierarchy, his
8. discipline, the number of papers published and cited and most importantly
9. how much funding he has (as the former definitions rely on this).
11. +It is vitally important not to let scientists get too bored. Otherwise,
12. +things like
13. +"this":http://www.newscientist.com/blog/shortsharpscience/2008/07/rappin-physics.html
14. +happen.
15. +
16. h2. +Scientific Positions+
20. h2. +Disciplines+
22. -There are an infinite number of disciplines available in academia. This is
23. -because a scientific discipline is a word purely designed to achieve
24. -funding and a good scientist knows how to make up a brand new discipline on
25. -the spot to achieve it. A scientist may be a member of several disciplines.
26. -Some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology, chemistry), some micro
27. -(i.e. material engineering), some cross disciplinary (i.e. computational
28. -neuroscience) and some made up while high on cocaine in front of the review
29. -board from a funding body (i.e. integrative neuroscience).
30. +There are an infinite number of disciplines available in ((academia)).
31. +This is because a scientific discipline is a word purely designed to
32. +achieve ((funding)) and a good scientist knows how to make up a brand new
33. +discipline on the spot to achieve it. A scientist may be a member of
34. +several disciplines, some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology,
35. +chemistry), some micro (i.e. material engineering), some cross disciplinary
36. +(i.e. computational neuroscience) and some made up while high on cocaine in
37. +front of the review board from a funding body (i.e. integrative
38. +neuroscience).
39. Scientifically this means fuck all.
40. -However a rapidly burgeoning science of which ((Dave_M)) has just invented
41. +However a rapidly burgeoning science which ((Dave_M)) has just invented
42. and is seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new
43. discipline will open up many new areas of research which are profitable and
44. will have immediate returns on any number of patents and technologies.
45. Sciencephrenology is the discipline in which a scientist’s personality
46. and mental attributes are identified by their choice of discipline. This
47. will enable funding bodies to gain more control of scientists as well as
48. increase the scientists ability to meet deadlines and -jump through more
49. fucking hoops- perform science.
51. h3. +Personalities and Caring Instructions by Discipline+
53. h4. +Physics+
55. _Physicists come in two flavours, Theoretical and Applied. However, some
56. features are common to both._
58. A physicist usually has a higher tendency of believing they are doing
59. -((SCIENCE))! then most other disciplines. This is generally because they
60. +((SCIENCE))! than most other disciplines. This is generally because they
61. get away with providing little in the way of substantial returns from the
62. last 50 years as everyone keeps hoping they might come up with something
63. amazing again soon. One strategy physicists have engaged in to collect more
64. -funding and build a bigger academic empire is the universal theory of
65. -everything routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
66. +funding and build a bigger academic empire is the "universal theory of
67. +everything" routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
68. paradigm, ant hills and occasionally random bits of string to blag that
69. once the breakthrough comes everything will be different and amazing.
70. In recent years, however, this seems to be less effective, and the
71. reductionist demons stopped being helpful and have once again begun to
72. force physicists to diverge, much to their chagrin. Another reason may well
73. be that string theory is ((Silly)).
75. The greatest and most brilliant example of this technique was invented by
76. -J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated was queried at a Christmas
77. -function was queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding
78. -was at risk he choose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe
79. -was lots and lots of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum
80. -puddings).
81. +J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated at a Christmas function was
82. +queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding was at risk he
83. +chose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe was lots and lots
84. +of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum puddings).
85. Many physicists are considerably grateful this occasion had not occurred
86. while Thomson was at the Bordello he commonly frequented as indeed should
87. the world be. Had he been, the universe would be a very different place
88. indeed.
89. Fortunately Thomson's model soon fell out of favour with the general
90. population of physicists and once again reality returned to a better, less
91. -squigy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
92. +squidgy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
93. community as they rapidly realised that if the universe was made out of
94. plum puddings the general populace would rapidly fall out of favour with
95. physics after their third helping and probably riot when they realised they
96. were going to have to have a helping everyday for the next week if they
97. didn't want to waste the physicists new contribution.
99. The Plum Pudding model was not long dead, however, when things began to
100. get much, much stranger and more bafflingly incomprehensible. This is
101. because of ((Quantum)).
103. h3. +Applied Physicists+
105. Applied Physicists tend to believe they are doing ((SCIENCE))!, typically
106. because they are. However, luckily for the rest of us, they tend to
107. produce useful results on a fairly regular basis. It is a mistake,
108. however, to expect these results to have practical applications. That is
109. an Engineer's job. If you want to know where your flying car is, you
110. should ask them.
112. h3. +Theoretical Physicists+
114. -Theoretical Physicist are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
115. +Theoretical Physicists are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
116. excited about obscure pieces of theory, or just random bits of the maths.
117. -This often leads to them going off on bizzare tangents due to their own
118. +This often leads to them going off on bizarre tangents due to their own
119. intellectual curiosity which are of zero use to anyone. When this
120. happens, it all gets ((Silly)). This is, in a nutshell, how String Theory
121. was born.
124. h5. Care Instructions
126. Your average physicist is highly capable of mathematics, and one should
127. take the opportunity to remind them of this at every opportunity. Note
128. however that mathematics is considerably different from maths which they
129. will remind you when asked why they cannot handle simple addition and
130. subtraction. Strangely for such a quiet occasionally anti-social creature
131. they can throw the most amazing parties when amongst their own kind and
132. -which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories for life.
133. +which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories of for life.
134. However when not with other physicists at another party they can kill it
135. horribly.
137. In the experience of ((Iasus)), the converse is true. Parties composed of
138. physicists are, in his experience, incredibly dull. The last one he went
139. to made him want to gouge his own eyes out with a rusty spoon.
141. The sciencephrenology hypothesis is that unlike biologists (who have a
142. -hive scientific ability) physicists relagated thier social instincts to the
143. -communial conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more
144. -social and charistmatic they become and if they should ever reach a
145. -critical mass in population the world will become one big bonobo monkey
146. -orgy.
147. +hive scientific ability) physicists relegated their social instincts to the
148. +communal conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more social
149. +and charismatic they become and if they should ever reach a critical mass
150. +in population the world would become one big bonobo monkey orgy.
151. As such sciencephrenology is of the opinion that this would be detrimental
152. to our funding and so physicists should continued to be mocked to help
153. curtail this threat.
154. The physicist has also gained a new and highly dangerous ability to get
155. wacked out of their head on theoretical physics. Due to a genetic quirk in
156. dopaminic levels certain pot heads enter the discipline and become massive
157. -competant physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
158. -amphetimines and pyschoactive substances in favour of subpartical and
159. +competent physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
160. +amphetamines and psychoactive substances in favour of subparticle and
161. quantum mechanics.
163. h4. +Biology+
165. Biology is a rapidly evolving and growing macro discipline. There are
166. several reasons for this, first and foremost being the large amount of
167. -succesful research and thier occasional application in other area's of
168. -science which biology examined and subsequently half inched. While without
169. -a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half inched
170. +succesful research and their occasional application in other areas of
171. +science which biology examined and subsequently half-inched. While without
172. +a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half-inched
173. along with their research this entry shall focus on biologists who are
174. foolish enough to openly call themselves this.
175. Some common traits shared by biologists is their tendency to think
176. mathematics only comprises of differential equations of which they are
177. -inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Thier offices can
178. -occasionally consist of purely mac computers and thier general programming
179. -ability starts and ends with spread sheet formulas. However this is not to
180. +inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Their offices can
181. +occasionally consist of purely mac computers and their general programming
182. +ability starts and ends with spreadsheet formulae. However this is not to
183. say that biologists who openly call themselves biologists do not contribute
184. to the discipline of biology.
185. This is because biologists have been trained and are specialists in one of
186. the black arts of academia.
187. That of collaboration.
188. Collaboration in academia is a particularly nasty and dangerous gray area
189. -of expertise at which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
190. +of expertise in which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
191. survive. In addition it can require dirty non-scientific skills such as
192. face to face communication, listening and being reasonable.
193. Occasionally it can even involve compromise, a term every scientist has
194. been pre-conditioned to hate through special summer courses. One of the key
195. points in training and why most scientists despise this particular black
196. -art revolves around the pre-conditioning they recieve during their final
197. +art revolves around the pre-conditioning they receive during their final
198. chance at academic ((escape)) or degree.
199. This is because before post-graduate level any retard can get onto to any
200. -degree and leave with a ((tutu)) at the end. Thus during group coursework
201. -the budding inoccent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue
202. -they must not just thier work but half the other collaborators. This
203. -quickly scars them and helps condition them into avoiding the real world
204. -and staying trapped in academia.
205. +degree and leave with a ((tutu)) at the end (though not everyone who leaves
206. +with a ((tutu)) is a retard). Thus during group coursework the budding
207. +innocent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must
208. +not just complete their work but half the other collaborators. This quickly
209. +scars them and helps condition them into avoiding the real world and
210. +staying trapped in academia.
211. The side effect of this is of course they become allergic to true
212. collaboration and distrustful of their fellow academics.
213. Biologists escape the worse effects of this however as until they reach a
214. certain tier in the academic heirarchy their work must be supervised and
215. thus it is transparent to their assessor who is putting in the effort.
216. This is not to say that they still do not suffer from negative effects
217. -from this experiance as otherwise they would have a higher escape ratio but
218. -they are considerably less scared from the experiance.
219. +from this experiance as otherwise they would have a higher ((escape)) ratio
220. +but they are considerably less scarred from the experiance.
221. The principle flaw in this sciencephrenology argument however is that it
222. -requires thier supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
223. +requires their supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
224. typically be a post graduate this is unlikely.
225. -Prehaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
226. +Perhaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
231. h5. Care Instructions
233. Your average Biologist is more neurotic then any other member of one of
234. the macro disciplines. This is due to the duality of the fact they are more
235. highly social then any of the others against the fact they are scientists.
236. The current strategy utilised by academia therefore is to remove either
237. their scientific ability or their social tendencies.
238. To achieve the later, funding bodies insist on large amounts of very
239. boring courses such as radiation training. This has the effect of being a
240. mental lobotomy and psychically removes the offending parts of their
241. personality by traumatising them. To achieve the former the biologist is
242. tricked into accepting an administrative position or one of resource
243. responsibility, this grants them extra opportunities to be social and
244. -therefore reduces the amount of actual science they perform. Which in turn
245. +therefore reduces the amount of actual science they perform, which in turn
246. after time completely removes all scientific ability from their minds. Many
247. administrators are unaware of this fact and continue to believe they are
248. making genuine contributions to science instead of getting in the way.
249. Further more administrators allow more courses to be performed which in
250. turn leads to more biologists having their social tendencies obliterated.

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