These are the differences between two versions of Scientists. Lines styled like this have been added to the entry, lines like this have been removed.

This is displaying the changes from 2008-08-02 02:08 to 2016-06-25 11:06

  1. h1. Scientists
  2. -A scientist is the catch all definition for those who perform science. Like
  3. +A scientist is the catch-all definition for those who perform science. Like
  4. many academic terms it is unscientifically defined. A scientist is usually
  5. -additionally defined by his position is the academic hierarchy, his
  6. +additionally defined by his position in the academic hierarchy, his
  7. discipline, the number of papers published and cited and most importantly
  8. how much funding he has (as the former definitions rely on this).
  9. It is vitally important not to let scientists get too bored. Otherwise,
  10. things like
  11. "this":http://www.newscientist.com/blog/shortsharpscience/2008/07/rappin-physics.html
  12. happen.
  13. h2. +Scientific Positions+
  14. h2. +Disciplines+
  15. There are an infinite number of disciplines available in ((academia)). This
  16. is because a scientific discipline is a word purely designed to achieve
  17. ((funding)) and a good scientist knows how to make up a brand new
  18. discipline on the spot to achieve it. A scientist may be a member of
  19. -several disciplines. Some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology,
  20. +several disciplines, some of which are macro (i.e. physics, biology,
  21. chemistry), some micro (i.e. material engineering), some cross disciplinary
  22. (i.e. computational neuroscience) and some made up while high on cocaine in
  23. front of the review board from a funding body (i.e. integrative
  24. neuroscience).
  25. Scientifically this means fuck all.
  26. -However a rapidly burgeoning science of which ((Dave_M)) has just invented
  27. -and is seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new
  28. -discipline will open up many new areas of research which are profitable and
  29. -will have immediate returns on any number of patents and technologies.
  30. +However a rapidly burgeoning science which ((Dave_M)) has just invented and
  31. +is seeking funding for is sciencephrenology. This exciting new discipline
  32. +will open up many new areas of research which are profitable and will have
  33. +immediate returns on any number of patents and technologies.
  34. Sciencephrenology is the discipline in which a scientist’s personality
  35. and mental attributes are identified by their choice of discipline. This
  36. will enable funding bodies to gain more control of scientists as well as
  37. increase the scientists ability to meet deadlines and -jump through more
  38. fucking hoops- perform science.
  39. h3. +Personalities and Caring Instructions by Discipline+
  40. h4. +Physics+
  41. _Physicists come in two flavours, Theoretical and Applied. However, some
  42. features are common to both._
  43. A physicist usually has a higher tendency of believing they are doing
  44. -((SCIENCE))! then most other disciplines. This is generally because they
  45. +((SCIENCE))! than most other disciplines. This is generally because they
  46. get away with providing little in the way of substantial returns from the
  47. last 50 years as everyone keeps hoping they might come up with something
  48. amazing again soon. One strategy physicists have engaged in to collect more
  49. -funding and build a bigger academic empire is the universal theory of
  50. -everything routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
  51. +funding and build a bigger academic empire is the "universal theory of
  52. +everything" routine. In this routine the physicist uses terms such as
  53. paradigm, ant hills and occasionally random bits of string to blag that
  54. once the breakthrough comes everything will be different and amazing.
  55. In recent years, however, this seems to be less effective, and the
  56. reductionist demons stopped being helpful and have once again begun to
  57. force physicists to diverge, much to their chagrin. Another reason may well
  58. be that string theory is ((Silly)).
  59. The greatest and most brilliant example of this technique was invented by
  60. -J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated was queried at a Christmas
  61. -function was queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding
  62. -was at risk he choose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe
  63. -was lots and lots of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum
  64. -puddings).
  65. +J.J Thomson who while heavily inebriated at a Christmas function was
  66. +queried on the secrets of the atom. Knowing that his funding was at risk he
  67. +chose to claim that the atomic structure of the universe was lots and lots
  68. +of little Christmas puddings (or specifically plum puddings).
  69. Many physicists are considerably grateful this occasion had not occurred
  70. while Thomson was at the Bordello he commonly frequented as indeed should
  71. the world be. Had he been, the universe would be a very different place
  72. indeed.
  73. Fortunately Thomson's model soon fell out of favour with the general
  74. population of physicists and once again reality returned to a better, less
  75. -squigy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
  76. +squidgy substance. This was an excellent save on the part of the physics
  77. community as they rapidly realised that if the universe was made out of
  78. plum puddings the general populace would rapidly fall out of favour with
  79. physics after their third helping and probably riot when they realised they
  80. were going to have to have a helping everyday for the next week if they
  81. didn't want to waste the physicists new contribution.
  82. The Plum Pudding model was not long dead, however, when things began to get
  83. much, much stranger and more bafflingly incomprehensible. This is because
  84. of ((Quantum)).
  85. h3. +Applied Physicists+
  86. Applied Physicists tend to believe they are doing ((SCIENCE))!, typically
  87. because they are. However, luckily for the rest of us, they tend to
  88. produce useful results on a fairly regular basis. It is a mistake,
  89. however, to expect these results to have practical applications. That is
  90. an Engineer's job. If you want to know where your flying car is, you
  91. should ask them.
  92. h3. +Theoretical Physicists+
  93. -Theoretical Physicist are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
  94. +Theoretical Physicists are strange creatures. They tend to get very, very
  95. excited about obscure pieces of theory, or just random bits of the maths.
  96. -This often leads to them going off on bizzare tangents due to their own
  97. +This often leads to them going off on bizarre tangents due to their own
  98. intellectual curiosity which are of zero use to anyone. When this
  99. happens, it all gets ((Silly)). This is, in a nutshell, how String Theory
  100. was born.
  101. h5. Care Instructions
  102. Your average physicist is highly capable of mathematics, and one should
  103. take the opportunity to remind them of this at every opportunity. Note
  104. however that mathematics is considerably different from maths which they
  105. will remind you when asked why they cannot handle simple addition and
  106. subtraction. Strangely for such a quiet occasionally anti-social creature
  107. they can throw the most amazing parties when amongst their own kind and
  108. -which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories for life.
  109. +which anyone else who manages to get in will have fun memories of for life.
  110. However when not with other physicists at another party they can kill it
  111. horribly.
  112. In the experience of ((Iasus)), the converse is true. Parties composed of
  113. physicists are, in his experience, incredibly dull. The last one he went
  114. to made him want to gouge his own eyes out with a rusty spoon.
  115. The sciencephrenology hypothesis is that unlike biologists (who have a hive
  116. -scientific ability) physicists relagated thier social instincts to the
  117. -communial conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more
  118. -social and charistmatic they become and if they should ever reach a
  119. -critical mass in population the world will become one big bonobo monkey
  120. -orgy.
  121. +scientific ability) physicists relegated their social instincts to the
  122. +communal conciousness. Thus the more physicists in one room the more social
  123. +and charismatic they become and if they should ever reach a critical mass
  124. +in population the world would become one big bonobo monkey orgy.
  125. As such sciencephrenology is of the opinion that this would be detrimental
  126. to our funding and so physicists should continued to be mocked to help
  127. curtail this threat.
  128. The physicist has also gained a new and highly dangerous ability to get
  129. wacked out of their head on theoretical physics. Due to a genetic quirk in
  130. dopaminic levels certain pot heads enter the discipline and become massive
  131. -competant physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
  132. -amphetimines and pyschoactive substances in favour of subpartical and
  133. +competent physicists. In the final stages they turn away from LSD,
  134. +amphetamines and psychoactive substances in favour of subparticle and
  135. quantum mechanics.
  136. h4. +Biology+
  137. Biology is a rapidly evolving and growing macro discipline. There are
  138. several reasons for this, first and foremost being the large amount of
  139. -succesful research and thier occasional application in other area's of
  140. -science which biology examined and subsequently half inched. While without
  141. -a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half inched
  142. +succesful research and their occasional application in other areas of
  143. +science which biology examined and subsequently half-inched. While without
  144. +a doubt the best biologists are those who were acidentally half-inched
  145. along with their research this entry shall focus on biologists who are
  146. foolish enough to openly call themselves this.
  147. Some common traits shared by biologists is their tendency to think
  148. mathematics only comprises of differential equations of which they are
  149. -inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Thier offices can
  150. -occasionally consist of purely mac computers and thier general programming
  151. -ability starts and ends with spread sheet formulas. However this is not to
  152. +inordinately proud of their ability to solve. Their offices can
  153. +occasionally consist of purely mac computers and their general programming
  154. +ability starts and ends with spreadsheet formulae. However this is not to
  155. say that biologists who openly call themselves biologists do not contribute
  156. to the discipline of biology.
  157. This is because biologists have been trained and are specialists in one of
  158. the black arts of academia.
  159. That of collaboration.
  160. Collaboration in academia is a particularly nasty and dangerous gray area
  161. -of expertise at which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
  162. +of expertise in which only the smartest and most sucessful scientists
  163. survive. In addition it can require dirty non-scientific skills such as
  164. face to face communication, listening and being reasonable.
  165. Occasionally it can even involve compromise, a term every scientist has
  166. been pre-conditioned to hate through special summer courses. One of the key
  167. points in training and why most scientists despise this particular black
  168. -art revolves around the pre-conditioning they recieve during their final
  169. +art revolves around the pre-conditioning they receive during their final
  170. chance at academic ((escape)) or degree.
  171. This is because before post-graduate level any retard can get onto to any
  172. degree and leave with a ((tutu)) at the end (though not everyone who leaves
  173. with a ((tutu)) is a retard). Thus during group coursework the budding
  174. -inoccent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must
  175. -not just complete thier work but half the other collaborators. This quickly
  176. +innocent post graduate discovers that if they want to continue they must
  177. +not just complete their work but half the other collaborators. This quickly
  178. scars them and helps condition them into avoiding the real world and
  179. staying trapped in academia.
  180. The side effect of this is of course they become allergic to true
  181. collaboration and distrustful of their fellow academics.
  182. Biologists escape the worse effects of this however as until they reach a
  183. certain tier in the academic heirarchy their work must be supervised and
  184. thus it is transparent to their assessor who is putting in the effort.
  185. This is not to say that they still do not suffer from negative effects from
  186. this experiance as otherwise they would have a higher ((escape)) ratio but
  187. -they are considerably less scared from the experiance.
  188. +they are considerably less scarred from the experiance.
  189. The principle flaw in this sciencephrenology argument however is that it
  190. -requires thier supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
  191. +requires their supervisor to actually care and unfortunately as this will
  192. typically be a post graduate this is unlikely.
  193. -Prehaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
  194. +Perhaps it is an unexplainable phenomon therefore.
  195. h5. Care Instructions
  196. Your average Biologist is more neurotic then any other member of one of the
  197. macro disciplines. This is due to the duality of the fact they are more
  198. highly social then any of the others against the fact they are scientists.
  199. The current strategy utilised by academia therefore is to remove either
  200. their scientific ability or their social tendencies.
  201. To achieve the later, funding bodies insist on large amounts of very boring
  202. courses such as radiation training. This has the effect of being a mental
  203. lobotomy and psychically removes the offending parts of their personality
  204. by traumatising them. To achieve the former the biologist is tricked into
  205. accepting an administrative position or one of resource responsibility,
  206. this grants them extra opportunities to be social and therefore reduces the
  207. -amount of actual science they perform. Which in turn after time completely
  208. +amount of actual science they perform, which in turn after time completely
  209. removes all scientific ability from their minds. Many administrators are
  210. unaware of this fact and continue to believe they are making genuine
  211. contributions to science instead of getting in the way. Further more
  212. administrators allow more courses to be performed which in turn leads to
  213. more biologists having their social tendencies obliterated.

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